I don’t even know what to write anymore. I just have this need to write something down, my head gets full with negative thoughts but I have trained myself to not show this in the outside.
Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and get over myself.
I don’t even know what to write anymore. I just have this need to write something down, my head gets full with negative thoughts but I have trained myself to not show this in the outside.
Maybe I should just shut the fuck up and get over myself.
Again I find myself stuck in my head. I feel so guilty feeling like I do. I know so many people are worse of than me and it just angers me more that I left myself get this down.
Late autumn in northern Illinois
October 2020
People looking from the outside in probably wouldn’t expect me to be struggling. But that’s how it’s always been. I’ve always managed to be the comedic relief whilst hiding how I’m really feeling. Recently I’ve been struggling with loneliness. I have an amazing beautiful fiancé and I couldn’t be happy with her and I have a family that love and support me so why should I feel lonely. I know I am lucky to have these people in my life and that many people don’t have that support there so I find myself being angry at myself for feeling lonely.
The truth is that I have no close friends at all, really I don’t have many friends in general. I have friends that I’ve met through my fiancé and I have friends through my work however I can’t think of the last time I received a message asking how I was doing outside of my work environment. Through school and college I had a close group of friends however these relationships died as I went to Uni. Maybe it was my fault, maybe j didn’t make enough effort. This was replaced with close relationships at university but again as everyone moved on keeping in contact and I was left standing still. Again was this down to me? Do I not know how to maintain friendships? I don’t live close to my mum and dad, I’ve seen my brother once this year due to all the shit going on. I just sometimes feel like I need someone to talk to but it’s just not there. Maybe I just don’t deserve the friendships I see others having.
I honestly don’t know why and I’m not quite sure where I’m going with this. I just needed to get some thoughts out of my head as they have been deafening recently.
So it’s funny, I haven’t logged into Tumblr for years. However recently I’ve been struggling with my mental state and it has pulled me towards Tumblr. I can’t post how I feel on Twitter or Instagram because I need to present myself as if nothing is wrong. For some reason knowing that no-one will see these posts gives me the strength to post how I am feeling with the hope it will help.
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
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Flowers at platform 9¾ for Alan Rickman.
Respect to this soldier, he’s basically just put his middle finger up to these bigots.
This is my mate from Uni and it’s so weird seeing him on Tumblr haha. He is one of the most humble and inspiring people I’ve ever met and I am honoured to be friends with him!
My top photosets of 2015instagram | flickr | facebook
– Týr, probably.
(via incorrectedda)